I wonder what it was like for the prodigal in the hours and days immediately after he “came to his senses.”  Luke makes the jump from “he came to his senses” to “he got up up and came to his father” in three short verses.  The journey between the awakening and the homecoming is what is most intriguing to me.  I am on that road right now…and I have to admit that it seems much harder and more difficult to navigate than the three short verses Luke uses to connect the two in his account of the story.

What was his journey home like?

How long did it take him?

Did he ever doubt his decision?

Did the “distant country” ever feel like home…regardless of how distorted those feelings might have been?

I have to admit that the world I am leaving – the distortions, addictions, lies, and destruction – can often feel like a warm dirty blanket that is comforting to the touch and smelly & filthy within.  To once again pull that blanket over me will only lead to greater pain but the immediate sensation of familiar comfort is deceptively inviting and cunningly powerful.  The Home that is promised is not yet, and the now is so much more appealing than the hope of what will be…how do I dull my senses of the familiar and sharpen my senses of hope for the promised unknown?

Then I read Nouwen’s expression of his own journey…

“…there has been much inner struggle, and there has been mental, emotional, and spiritual pain.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, had about it the quality of having arrived…I really did not have an inkling of how difficult the journey would be.  I did not realize how deeply rooted my resistance was and how agonizing it would be to ‘come to my senses,’ fall on my knees, and let my tears flow freely.  I did not realize how hard it would be to become truly part of the great event that Rembrandt’s painting portrays.”

and later in the opening pages of The Return of the Prodigal Son Nouwen shares,

“I am still not free enough to let myself be held completely in the safe embrace of the Father.  In many ways I am still moving toward the center.  I am still like the prodigal: traveling, preparing speeches, anticipating how it will be when I finally reach my Father’s house.  But I am, indeed, on my way home.  I have left the distant country and come to feel the nearness of love.”

The nearness of love…

And herein lies the greatest moment of awe – as the journey continues I am already being embraced.  I am simply waiting to experience the fullness of what is already true…He is near, and His embrace is now.

“…’coming home’ meant, for me, walking step by step toward the One who awaits me with open arms and wants to hold me in an eternal embrace. I knew that Rembrandt deeply understood this spiritual homecoming.  I knew that, when Rembrandt painted his Prodigal Son, he had lived a life that had left him with no doubt about his true and final home.”

-Henri Nouwen

Henri Nouwen spent the summer of 1985 traveling around the United States calling Christian communities to fight for justice and peace in Central America.  Shortly after his grueling six week trip across the U.S. Nouwen traveled to Trosly, France where he spent several months at L’Arche, a home for people with mental handicaps.  It was in Trosly where Nouwen had his first encounter with Rembrandt’s Prodigal Son after seeing the painting on a poster pinned to a friend’s door.  Two years later Henri Nouwen resigned from his teaching position at Harvard University and returned to Trosly determined to discover whether or not he was called to live his life with the mentally handicapped people in L’Arche.  In 1986 he decided to make L’Arche his new home and became the pastor of the L’Arche Daybreak community in Toronto, Canada where he served through the remainder of his life.  Henri Nouwen passed away in 1996.

Reading the opening pages of The Return of the Prodigal Son reveals a clear sense of deep longing in the heart of a man weary from traveling and searching for home.  When Nouwen saw the The Prodgial Son he was blindsided by the intimacy of the moment captured in Rembrandt’s painting – the father’s tender touch.  “But, most of all, it was the hands – old man’s hands – as they touched the boy’s shoulders that reached me in a place where I had never been reached before.”

What is home?  Where is home?  Is it a place?  Maybe the story of Nouwen and his journey leading up to his years of observation and study of Rembrandt’s painting stir a deeper question around this idea of home.  Is it a question of “what?“  Is it a question of “where?“  Or is it a question of “who?“  Rembrandt leaves much to wonder about where this famous homecoming takes place…or the specific details surrounding this moment.  The what and where are left in as much shadow as the backdrop of the painting itself.  However, the who is certain.  The old man.  The father.  And his tender touch…

Home becomes home when there is no longer the question of who.  I am home when I am with my Father, and I experience the fullness of Home when I allow myself to, once again, be embraced by Him.

It’s exciting to re-read The Return of the Prodigal Son…tonight, I picked up the book again and read through the first few pages of The Prologue.  This could take a while. 

But I’m in no hurry…

Walking through the threshold from darkness into light is painful.  Those first few moments when the eyes are forced to adjust to the forgotten could be reason enough to run back into the old familiar.  Darkness can become home, and leaving home is never easy…regardless of how distorted it may be.  Home…

What was it like for the prodigal to adjust to the reality of his life in darkness?  How painful was it for him to “come to his senses?”  How difficult was it to finally decide it was time to go home, back to his real home?  I can only imagine through the lens of my own life, and I am slowly walking into light…

This blog was created 19 months ago to capture the story of my father’s passing and the journey of our family during the last 6 months of his life.  I remember one afternoon sitting with dad crying because of the overwhelming reality that he was dying…I was sitting near his bed and laid my head down next to his arm burying my face in the sheets hoping to mute the sound of my tears.  He put his hand on my head and I felt his weak fingers trying to offer strength and comfort as I wept.  The power of that moment has not been forgotten…my father’s hand and his gentle touch.

There is another father/son moment that has always captivated me…a moment captured by Rembrandt in his painting, The Return of the Prodigal Son – a tattered and torn son kneeling before his father as the father’s hands welcome him home.  During this past year I finally picked up a book by Henri Nouwen inspired by this very painting.  It’s simple, Nouwen’s The Return of the Prodigal Son is the best book I have ever read.  I did not know how Nouwen’s story and his insight into the Parable of the Son (or Father) would serve as a path of healing for me…and that is why I have decided to start writing again, to continue this journey.  This is my canvas, these words are my brush, and the image to come is unknown…

I spent 6 months learning how to connect with my father before he passed away…did that set the stage for a lifetime of learning how to connect with God?  A f(F)ather holds the keys of life for his son, I want to know my Father.  The journey Home continues…

Easter Sunday
(This last year was a year of firsts, a new life without dad. March 8th marked the last of the firsts…)

11:14PM
The pages on the calendar have come full circle. One year later the memories of dad are still fresh…especially after reading through past “Family Updates.” Maybe this will forever be part of the process…to remember. That’s what King David did to stir his faith – he remembered the faithfulness of God (Psalm 77:11). That’s why this blog was created – to remember – not just dad, but the faithfulness of God during this last year, and specifically, the last several months of dad’s life. Amidst all of the chaos, confusion, pain, and unknown the goodness and faithfulness of God were, and continue to be, clearly evident. Before dad went Home our family experienced points of healing that were thought to be lost hopes. They became reality. Mom and Dad fell in love again; Dad and I shared conversations of the heart that I will never forget, and dad admitted things to us that we thought would forever fly under his radar. Honest conversations can sometimes be more precious and life-giving than anything else.

I’m sitting here thinking about this past year and find myself wrestling with the word, “orphan.” I know orphan is defined as a fatherless child, and I am 29, but have I really grown up?  Is it arrogant to so quickly assume that I have matured beyond the status of “child”…that I have put childish thoughts and actions behind me? As I look back at this year (and if I’m honest, for much of my life) it’s clear that I have played the role of a child very well…the loss of my dad has only exposed the reality that I have practically lived my life as an orphan, as one without a father…or better yet, as one who has rejected a Father. Maybe I hid it under banners titled, “independence,” or “maturity,” or maybe even “manhod.” But it’s simple; I’m hardwired to live my life as an orphan…as a loner. And the greatest threat to a loner is intimacy. Where did it go wrong?

For the life of me I am trying to remember how old I was the last time I crawled into my dad’s lap and asked him to tell me a story. How long has it been? I can’t remember…but I do remember that feeling of hearing his voice and thinking that whatever he said was right and no matter what happened I was safe. A child and a father are two pieces to a portrait of harmony. Maybe that’s why Jesus’s words in the book of John deeply pricked my heart this past week, “I will not leave you as orphans…” (John 14:18) Remembering dad is to remember the Lord, and then these words come to mind. He has not left; in fact, the resurrection of Jesus offers freedom to enjoy His presence…ANY time…ALL the time. I don’t have to pick up the pen and try and finish my own story…I don’t have to wake up and go through a day as if I am alone. He invites me…He invites us…to crawl into His lap and hear His story. The Father has always been the greatest story teller…and His words ARE always right…and we ARE safe in His arms. Our faith really can be like that of a child; we are orphans no more.

He is good, He always has been.

Our family continues to remember dad while taking steps to “move on.” DR is still in New York pursuing his dream of performing and directing in theatre. Mom continues to amaze me as one of the greatest women I know. She will be going to Uganda this summer to minister to children and families with her church this summer. I learn from mom everyday about how to respond to loss in a spirit of trust and surrender. She has captured the real vision of Heaven and continues to pour herself into loving others. I’m not sure if there is a right way to work through the process of grief and pain, but if there is, mom is doing it…and probably evidenced more by her allowance of others to love her and walk with her than anything else. Bent Tree Bible Fellowship in Carrollton, TX leaves me in awe and wonder as to how a large “mega” church can intentionally love one person so much. They continue to rally around our family.

I am back in Atlanta and have a new role in the organization I have been working at for the past four years. If you had to define my new role in traditional terms it might best fit under the banner of “Public Relations.” But it’s so much better than that! I am working with the Catalyst Team and have been given the assignement to further our friendships and relationships that we have been building over the past eight (8) years. A brief explanantion – The Catalyst Conference has been an annual convergence of next generation leaders in the church. Here in Atlanta during the first weekend of every October we host over 10,000 leaders from all over the country, together, for a three day event designed to test the boundary of creativity, innovation, and leadership training for church leaders committed to building the Kingdom of God here on earth. Simply put, it’s amazing. The Catalyst Conference has given way to a Catalyst Movement and any movement is established in relationships.

In November the idea of road trip was thrown out on the table as a way to connect with some of our key relationships around the country. I was asked to lead the charge, and since January, have been on the road hearing stories of leaders in the church and sharing them with the Catalyst Audience. The fun part is that I am driving a 1985 Volkswagen Vanagon! You have to check it out…make sure to click on the “About” Page at the top and watch the short video highlighting the early days of the Catalyst Road Trip – www.catalystroadtrip.com

As has been tradition in so many of our past Family Updates, I want to say thank you and remind you of the special role you have played, and continue to play, in the life of the Hanson family. You are deeply loved and if you ever forget that, just click on the “video” link along the right margin of this blog and hear from dad just how loved you are. He told us often how thankful he was to have us and to have you supporting, loving, and praying for our family.

On behalf of our family, Happy Easter, and once again, thank you. We look forward to that day when we will all be able to be together with the Lord enjoying the completion, the “shalom,” of restored relationship. All glory to Jesus who alone makes it possible to live again…

almostHome,

LV

(I know I told you that the family updates were over, but a lot of you have asked how we are doing and I wanted to just say hi…I didn’t title this a “Family Update” so technically I am still holding true to my last email )

This month marks 6 months since dad was freed from the chains of cancer…I still smile and tear up at the thought of dad freed and experiencing life as was intended.  It’s not getting any easier to mourn dad or the loss of who dad was becoming, but my family and I are learning how to move forward with a true understanding of hope.  I continue to wrestle with the idea that hope is not in the absence of pain or in the presence of temporal happiness – it is exclusive to the promise of Heaven, where death will be undone and life brilliantly revealed in Jesus’ glory.  Can hope, I mean true Hope, be fulfilled this side of heaven?  I don’t think so.  And it is in hope’s delayed fulfillment that I experience what the Lord calls, “the narrow road.”

How easy is it to believe that the satisfied senses of this world are my ultimate desire?  How easy is to embrace immediate gratification as a means to numb the sting of loss and confusion?  Too easy; and yet there is a greater invitation…a deeper desire that is revealed only on the narrow road – to come Home and experience the Father’s embrace.  If dad’s death and the subsequent wake of painful confusion invite me and our family along this narrow road, then death truly has lost its sting.  There is only victory…and yet this taste of victory is but a mere morsel stirring the appetite for the feast waiting for us when we get Home…what a day that will be…

I wanted to write and say hi because many of you have expressed curiosity about what’s going on with our family and your interest is so encouraging.  It’s strange, we’ve already passed many significant dates this summer (father’s day, mom and dad’s anniversary, dad’s birthday) and while all of them were significant days in and of themselves, they were just one day.  When six months hit (September 8th) it was a point of perspective when all of those days surfaced again…but this time all at once, together.  Yeah, it was hard.  Has it really been six months…half a year?  We are learning how to take it one day at a time…

I’m sure it’s easier for DR and me because we are back in our worlds and while we are experiencing our own “new normal,” mom is still transitioning into a new life that is radically different from the old one.  Mom has been going to a group called Grief Share (a group of men and women working through the pain of loss).  She has encouraged me to try it and I have yet to make it to a group…not sure if I’ll go, but maybe…I don’t know.  This week, Aunt Kay is visiting mom in Dallas and they are working around the house taking care of different projects that have been long overdue – I think they are painting, moving furniture, and even replacing old doors (some of them with dents from the immature fist of a son during moments of unflattering emotional expression, , or I guess more appropriately, Oops…sorry mom!

DR has traveled quite a bit this summer and between his trips and my own, we are still playing one of the longest games of phone tag in the history of long distance communication.  We’ve talked a little here and there but very briefly and way too short…I know he’s busy with theatre and work…he has a new place in New York, and mom and I will be traveling up there to spend Thanksgiving with him this year so I’m sure that we will successfully cramp his New York style apartment.  It’s going to be fun, can’t wait to spend time with the three of us again, together…

I hope you’re having a great fall season, please know that we remain thankful for you and deeply grateful for how you have shown so much love and compassion.  I asked mom and DR, and they have given me the ok to give you their email addresses in case you would like to contact them directly.  I’m sure they would love to hear from you.  Mom’s home email address is sallyhanson@verizon.net and DR’s email address is catfoodonastick@hotmail.com.

Still thankful,

LV

p.s. – we are still working on the mission project in memory of dad to New Zealand with Student Venture.  Please continue to pray for us as we lay the ground work for what we hope to be a trip that will impact the lives of American and New Zealand students.

Happy 4th of July!

I can’t believe that this is the 22nd email that has been sent since learning about dad’s cancer. It’s been a wild ride…and one that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Do you remember that email I sent on November 3rd? I read it again this morning wondering what I said – how did we begin this whole journey? I have attached the email and I hope you join me in looking back at how faithful God has been in this entire story. This is what I wrote on November 3rd after explaining how God took care of the expenses for dad’s first round of chemo: “He is making Himself known to me and my family in ways that leave me in awe…and to think, it has only just begun. I eagerly await all that God wants to do in my family through this…” Yes, the Lord has done more than I could have ever imagined in revealing Himself to our family. You have been a part of this journey in prayer and support…one day I hope you understand how much you have blessed my mom, my brother, and me.

In this email I want to share a little about my trip to Russia and Africa, what’s next for me, what’s next for mom and DR, and then you will hear from mom and DR – they have included a short note offering an update and thanks.

(click below to hear more from the family and to videos highlighting summer travels)

June Travels Overview
I flew back into Dallas last Friday afternoon from a month long trip Russia, Germany, and Africa. I teamed up with Athletes in Action for two weeks in Moscow, Russia from June 3rd – June 17th, then spent two full days in Frankfurt, Germany getting a little rest before flying to Botswana, Africa where I joined a team from Teen Mania and helped out with their mission project in two remote villages just south of the Botswana/Namibian border in the Okavango Delta. It sounds so cheap and lazy to try and sum up this trip with “amazing” but it really was…amazing. I think there are two macro take-a-ways from this trip for me, the first being a re-kindling of the desire I have to live overseas and take the gospel to difference cultures – specifically, Israel (I was there in 2001 and want to go back). The second take-a-away for me was a fresh awareness of the gospel’s simplicity and how powerful love is as a bridge between cultures. Whether it was connecting with people through a volleyball match or handing out presents to children, the critical x-factor was a heart motivation of love. It’s not always tangible or easily identified, but action motivated in genuine love invites a true and receptive audience…and what better offering for an audience than the gospel of Jesus Christ. I’ve been “that guy” who has shared the gospel because I felt obligated or because I wanted to add a notch in my spiritual belt. And to be honest, it’s still something that I have to be careful of – not to manipulate relational interaction so that it looks a certain way or so that I reached a pre-conceived plan. This trip is full of story after story highlighting the work of God in the hearts of people. Let me share a couple with you…

Moscow, Russia
During the first week, our team held volleyball matches and practices at a volleyball training center about 45 minutes outside of Moscow. The second week we drove to a town called Smolensk, six hours west of Moscow where we continued hosting volleyball matches but also spent two days at different orphanages playing games with the kids. Throughout the trip, we used volleyball and games with the kids as avenues to share our testimonies and the gospel. I wanted to share one specific story from our time at the training center during that first week. I spent over three hours with a group of 8 volleyball players talking to them about life and about God. I had two Russian friends, Irana and Vitale, who helped translate while also sharing their testimony as well. There were a couple different and very specific instances where I remember having an opportunity to manipulate the conversation so that I could make a strong sales push for Jesus. I shut my mouth…I knew that my motivation would have been to try and push them towards a decision for Christ so that “I” was successful. I was quiet and continued to let them share…and continued to ask questions. Misha, a 17 year old Russian setter, drove the conversation for the group with very honest questions about Jesus. At one point he asked, “So, can I still drink, party, and have girls if I become a Christian?” I was so tempted to throw out some line about God’s grace as a way to buffer the question so that he wouldn’t be “turned off.” My response to Misha was simple – no. And then the Lord gave me a question to ask him: “Misha, if you personally knew Jesus and His love for you, why would you want to ignore that for something fleeting and ultimately empty?” The others listened intently and jumped in with questions of their own. Long story short, I had a chance to clearly share the gospel with the entire group…all 8 of the players asked me, before I left, if they could pray and ask Jesus to forgive them for their sins. My heart was quiet with joy because I knew it was the Spirit of God at work in their hearts – I had front row seats watching God reach into their otherwise unreachable soul and trade their heart of stone for a heart of flesh restored by the blood of Jesus. It was an amazing night. I have their email addresses, and I am still waiting to hear back from them.

Here is a fun video for you. This is the most unorthodox strategy for gaining a platform to share the gospel. This video is taken during the warm up of our match with the 8 players I told you about. This was taken hours before our conversation, and it highlights the manner in which I introduced myself to Misha, the player that was so intentional with his questions about Jesus:

Yeah, I hit him on the head! The guys on their team were dying laughing and it ended being a pretty funny moment. They had the last laugh though…they beat us. Yeah, tough match. And herein lies another glimpse into our trip. We didn’t win a single match against established teams during our trek across Moscow. Yet every time we shared the gospel there were a number of men and women who expressed decisions for Christ. In spite of our inability to win we still had influence with the players we played against – it was another example of 1 Corinthians 2:1-5. Paul did not trust in his ability to eloquently or sufficiently wow his audience with his message – his message was made powerful by the Spirit of God so that they would not trust in the wisdom of men, but on the power of God. We were not able to trust in our ability to earn an audience…we saw the Lord give us influence and till the hearts of those we spoke with.

Here is another video clip – this is from one of our visits to a Russian orphanage in Smolensk. I had a chance to share my testimony with these kids. Before I shared, the Lord reminded me of Romans 8 and nudged me to share about family. The story of my family and God’s faithfulness in being my hope amidst death was the intro for the gospel of Jesus. I don’t know how many hands were raised, nor do I have any idea how many of the children were sincere in their confession of Christ, but the gospel was clearly communicated, kids responded, and I trust that His word will not return void (Isaiah 55). I am praying that follow up will take place at the orphanage. Here is short clip of me sharing my testimony with these kids:

Side note – I am still raising support for this trip with AIA and have until August 1st to raise the remaining $1,300. If you are interested in being a part of this ministry through financial support please let me know. Thanks!

Maun, Botswana (Africa)
I spent 10 days in Botswana, Africa joining a team from Teen Mania who was helping a local ministry called Love Botswana Outreach. On our way out to “the bush” to help with ministry in smaller, remote villages, we stopped at a safari lodge and had a chance to spend an afternoon and evening driving across a game park on a safari tour. Botswana is one of the top two locations in all of Africa for safari tours. We saw zebra, wildebeests, giraffes, elephants, hippos, jackals, tons of birds, and incredible African scenery. We didn’t get a chance to see any lions, Cape buffalo, leopards, or rhinos, but that’s ok – I’ll make that a goal for my next trip when I go back to hike Mt. Kilimanjaro! J I got sick one day after joining the team at their campsite and battled sinus and chest congestion…in fact, I’m still coughing pretty bad. This was a curveball for me and forced me to the sidelines during a lot of the ministry, but it gave me a chance to “observe” ministry in place of “doing” ministry. I think the Lord used this to provide a glimpse and vision for what ministry overseas will require. Michael Walker, the pastor from Love Botswana Outreach, proved to be an example for me of a man focused on his calling and mission and willing to do whatever it takes to see it through – while displaying joy and peace throughout the chaos of not having resources most people take for granted. “T.I.A”. is a saying frequently used in Africa and it means “This is Africa.” Sometimes I wonder if it means, “This isn’t America.” You have to be ready for anything and be prepared for the likelihood of plans changing and most likely falling apart. I watched Michael respond to this in such a godly way…it was inspiring…it is inspiring. Here is a video clip highlighting one of the most powerful moments of the ministry in Botswana. If you have ever been a part of Samaritan’s Purse or Operation Christmas Child then this video shows you what happens on the receiving end of all those gift boxes collected every year. It’s incredible:

My trip to Africa was the final leg to this month long journey. It’s weird being back and I’m slowly adjusting. This week I have been helping mom around the house trying to knock out a few small work projects to make sure she is in good shape before I leave. I take off on Friday and will be driving back to Atlanta to start up work back in INJOY on Monday, the 9th. This trip overseas was a necessary break highlighting the end of one season and the beginning of a new season. Life in Atlanta will be new, and I am excited to see what’s next.

• A Note from Mom:

“Not sure where to start but maybe with a Grand “Thank you” to each and every one who is and has been there for us in support, prayer and encouragement. What you are doing and have done has made a most difficult time bearable. Even with the roller coaster ride of emotions and pain, the lessons learned have been amazing. One of the lessons has been “God’s perfect timing”. Through all of this, his timing has been so perfect. In that perfection and despite the pain, there is joy. Just briefly, Dave and I experienced a wondrous time of healing and restoration and I am thankful that we had that prior to his death. He came to know the Lord which that alone is a GREAT memory and has brought me joy and peace. There are more lessons, more than can be expressed now. So how can I be unhappy in this. Am I grieving? Absolutely and I know it will be a long time before I stop crying at the drop of a hat if ever but it’s OK. Do I still hurt and miss Dave. Again, absolutely. But there is a peace in the pain and grieving process. I’m staying where I am for now and look forward to the multitude of possible future opportunities. I wait upon the Lord to reveal his plan for the next season of my life. During this time, I hope to delve deeply into his Word and find out more about Him, about me and what awaits me. There has already been a stirring in my heart and I will be patient to see what that stirring looks like and where it will lead. Not defined as yet but I know it will be. Again, in God’s PERFECT timing. I will be attending the Grief Share program at Bent Tree in the Fall and have already meet some delightful ladies who attended the spring class and decided to meet over the summer. They invited me to join them and it has already been a time of healing and sharing. I look forward to what awaits me in the Fall. Again, I must reiterate how much we all appreciate the support, prayers, love and encouragement you’ve provided. We never would have made it through without it and each of you. Thank you!!!

• A Note from DR:

I was recently added as a company member of Stone Soup Theatre. Our website is www.stonesoupkitchen.org if you’d like some more information on the company and our past seasons. Currently we’re preparing for a theatre festival in Philadelphia and a reading series of published plays on the theme of occupation (one I hope to direct). With the generous help of friends and family I was able to finally get my headshots a few weeks ago. This is a huge investment financially and theatrically as having my headshots will open more audition opportunities and help me find an agent. Jamison and I are currently looking for a new apartment and will hopefully get some more space as 425 sq ft studio can get cramped at times. Our lease is up at the end of July so we have a busy month ahead of us. I appreciate and am beyond thankful for the incredible amount of support and prayer that so many of you have selflessly bestowed on my family. It is encouraging to know we have a strong support group to help us during our grieving period.

• A Note About New Zealand:

Nothing new yet. This summer Tom Harriger is going to try and meet face to face with Roger in New Zealand. I am communicating with a contact in New Zealand who has expressed interest in helping us. It’s pretty obvious that this is going to be a slower process than initially expected, but I am ok with that and am 110% committed to seeing this through. I will keep you updated on what happens with New Zealand, please keep praying that the Lord would direct our steps.

I’m learning that grieving and mourning are different. Grieving is deep, soulful, and often abstract. Mourning is grief realized; it’s the outward evidence of grief – tears, sadness…emotion expressed. They both continue to hit at different and random times. Father’s Day was hard, but it was a time of tears and a time to sit with the Lord and be honest about how much I miss the opportunity to know dad as a man who was in love with Jesus. That is not going to happen; I had a chance to know him briefly as he walked with God, but I realize the loss of what I want and continue to learn that there is freedom when I’m honest about the pain of loss. I am reading a book called “Shattered Dreams” by Larry Crabb. It’s one of the best books I have ever read and it is pointing me to the truth that when desires are unfulfilled they are exposed as being lesser desires. This points us to the deeper desires…and to the deepest desire that is real for every person – namely the desire to be in connection with God – to know the lover of our soul. Tasting the sweet reality of His presence is the ultimate fruit of shattered dreams.

You knew it was coming…this is where I say what I have said from day one. Two words serving as the underpinning of these emails – thank you. I continue to trust the Lord asking Him to make you fully aware of my thanks, and our family’s thanks, for you…your prayers, your support, your letters, emails…EVERYTHING that you have done and given to us over the past 8 months…it’s been an image of love and an image of the Body of Christ.

You have encouraged me in very special ways. I am not planning on sending out anymore Family Updates so now your inbox is safe from long winded messages taking up space! I hope you have been encouraged in your knowledge of the role you have played in this story of God’s work in our family. I remember reading this powerful passage in the book, “A Grace Disguised” by Jerry Sittser and I want to share it with you as a bookend to this season:

He chose to enter the darkness. He chose to turn away from running west – after the sun, and instead headed east – into the darkness. It’s funny, just this week my car’s air conditioner went out. Not a good sign for someone about to drive across TX, LA, MS, AL, and GA during the month of July. Being the genius that I am I realized a way to beat the summer daytime heat. I’m going to drive through the night! Then it hit me…and I don’t want to be over analytical about this (although I’ve been accused of much worse), but this road trip will be a symbol of what I have been learning. I will be driving east, into the darkness, with everything I have, and hoping that the sun will rise again. Chasing the sunset is what I do when I want what was. Running into the east, towards the sunrise, and through the darkness, is what I do when I am anchored to hope and trust…

And this is the journey I am on – discovering hope redefined and anchoring myself to it…to Him, until the fullness of hope is realized. And what a day that will be! Thanks for sharing this journey with me and my family.

Into the east,

LV

The garage is done!  It’s been twelve years since mom has been able to use our garage…she was shocked!  I got home from Orlando on Monday morning and by 8PM Monday night, we were finished…I was amazed.  Ozzie, JudyAnn, Shane and Shane, Dave, Reggie…thank you.  I had no idea that we would be able to knock out as much as we did.  I’m waiting on final numbers for the cost of a new garage door and opener, but we hope to have that purchased and installed by the end of July.  I wish you could have seen mom’s face when she came home from the airport and saw the clean garage.  I’m sure there was, and possibly still is, a fear as to what I threw away without her knowing…but hey, it’s gone!  (How’s that for sensitivity?

I just wanted to let you know that this week has been a pretty exciting week for mom and me to be able to see the fruit of our work and another image of what we believe the Lord is doing in our family – cleaning out the old and allowing the new to blossom.  Our time in Orlando was very fun, and a great weekend to reconnect with family that we haven’t seen for a number of years.  Aunt Kay was celebrated and honored for her work as a teacher in the Orlando area – 35 years.  Congratulations Aunt Kay.  Our cousin Laura and her husband, Sean, played host for DR and I…I don’t think they intended for us to eat as much as we did.  It was a great time to catch up and spend some time with quality people…

For prayer:

• Mom – Mom took DR and me on a trip down memory lane through Orlando.  We saw where mom lived while she was working downtown and during the time that she and dad were dating.  Then we traveled to the Maitland Art Museum to see where mom and dad were married 31 years ago.  It was good to be with mom and just hear stories about the day…a very simple wedding with close friends and family.  We took pictures and just allowed mom to take in some of the memories…it was the first time she had been back since they were married.

• DR is doing well.  He turned 25 last week and, for his birthday, we pitched in to help pay for his head shots.  I am praying that he would take some steps of faith in his dreams to act…he has so much talent!  We didn’t get a whole lot of time to catch up; we did spend about an hour talking after Aunt Kay’s retirement party…just the two of us, and it was great to hear about his life and some of the details going on.  Just too short, and I think he would agree.  At least this round of phone tag is over!

• Me – I am leaving on Tuesday and will start this crazy month of traveling.  I wanted to send a short note before taking off for the weekend and remind you of how powerful your prayers have been for us.  The Lord responds to a broken people, and we are seeing His faithful response of provision.  Thank you!

• New Zealand – I had a fantastic meeting with Tom Harriger and his wife last Friday night.  It’s pretty clear that there is a lot of work to be done in the establishment of this mission, but we know our next steps.  Tom is going to try for a phone conversation with Roger Osbaldiston, the director of Campus Crusade in New Zealand.  I am going to continue my conversations with a couple of contacts in New Zealand and try to find out what, if any, connections we have with high school ministry in the country.  We have some work to do, but I’m so excited, and Tom is just as excited.  It will be fun to work with him and his team.  There is a chance that Roger and Tom might be able to meet in Colorado this summer the Crusade staff training in Fort Collins.  If that happens, I might fly out to meet with them.  Please continue to pray that we would be sensitive to the Lord’s direction (Proverbs 16:9)

Tuesday, May 29th, is mom’s 31st wedding anniversary.  The year of firsts continues…I can’t imagine how difficult it will be, but mom knows it’s coming.  I am asking the Lord to draw mom intimately close during this time of grieving.  Please pray with me along those lines.

I am leaving on Tuesday and will start this crazy month of traveling.  I wanted to send a short note before taking off for the weekend and remind you of how powerful your prayers have been for us.  The Lord responds to a broken people, and we are seeing His faithful response of provision.  Thank you!

Also, because of the unexpected speed at cleaning out the garage, we will not need any help on Monday.  So, thank you for your willingness and availability to serve…we are finished!

I hope you all have a great Memorial Day weekend,

LV
(on behalf of the family, thank you)

Ok, I’ll just take a moment and pause right here…I knew the last update I sent was long, but I had no idea how long it was. I copied and pasted the email in Microsoft Word and then formatted it with the font and spacing that I used when writing papers for college…uh yeah, that last email was the equivalent of a 9 page paper! I just have to laugh at the irony. I looked for ways to delay writing papers in college and now I find myself doing it because it’s therapeutic. I promise, this update is much shorter…I’m tired, but I wanted to send a note before I leave for Orlando tomorrow…

We are headed to Orlando to spend the weekend with my mom’s sister and celebrate her retirement. It will be the first time that mom, DR, and I will be together since the memorial service. I’m looking forward to some quality time with the immediate family as well as extended family that I haven’t seen in a long time…I think it’s going to be a great weekend.

Upcoming Trips – Russia?
A real quick glimpse into the changes that are on the horizon for mom and me over the next several weeks – Orlando this weekend, and then next week will be the last “normal” week before I take off for a volleyball tournament in Austin from May 30th – June 2nd. At that point I was planning on moving back to Atlanta and re-engaging life Georgia. As it stands now, I am planning on delaying my return to Atlanta until the first week of July. For the month of June, I’ve been invited to join a mission trip with Athletes in Action to Moscow, Russia (AIA is a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ). When I received the phone call it was originally intended to be a trip to Lagos, Nigeria but because of a recent strike by local university professors, the universities have been shut down and students have been sent home. We were planning on using volleyball matches and clinics as a platform to connect with university students and share the gospel. Two days ago, we received word about an opportunity to engage a very similar ministry in Moscow, Russia. So, the Lord has closed one door and opened another in another part of the world. I’ve already seen the Lord drastically change plans within a week’s time, so I will not claim to know what He is doing, but I will say that I am very excited at the possibility of this trip to Moscow. I am raising support for this trip, and I am trusting the Lord to provide the prayer support and financial support necessary to make this happen. We are leaving June 3rd and I must raise $4,000. Last week a group of men that have been very influential in my life rallied together and raised an initial $1,000. Please pray, and if the Lord would lead you to give towards this project then let me know ASAP and I will give you information on next steps. I am also asking the Lord to provide twenty (20) men and women who would commit to praying for our team every day during our trip. If that is an area that you would like to offer support then let me know as well.

INJOY
Many of you have been praying for me and for wisdom regarding my job at INJOY back in Atlanta. Thank you. Last weekend I was able to spend time with our leadership team and I believe the Lord was clear about the direction He has for me over this next season. I will be returning to INJOY and am very excited about the chance to rejoin an established team that is working together to build a new future with a new vision. They have given me the green light to join AIA for this mission trip, so I will return to work on July 9th. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for the blessing that INJOY and the leadership team have been in my life and in the life of this family. Mom continually reminds me that these last several months have been full of moments of healing for all of us because I was allowed to come home and work from the house…it’s been a gift.

You will have to forgive me because I am flying through the details of all that has been unfolding, but I will tell you that this process has been anything but simple. I’ve spent so much time praying and asking the Lord to help clarify when, where, and how with regards to these steps, and I know I’m not fully aware of all that He is doing, but I feel confident that these steps are the steps I am to take. I’ve sought counsel and asked close friends for wisdom and I sense that I have the freedom to move forward in this direction knowing that the Lord may change plans at any point. “The mind of man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9) If there is anything that has become clear over the past several months, it’s that I don’t know how this story will play out…but I do trust that the Author is good.

For prayer:

• Mom – Mom and I were able to talk when I got back from Atlanta and she was very honest with me. She didn’t realize how hard it would be for her during my week trip away. She knew it was going to be hard, but not that hard. Mom is walking into the reality that, soon, she will come home to an empty house full of memories. It will be hard, but mom is smiling and ready to walk forward. I continue to be amazed at her strength as well as her courage to allow herself the freedom to feel and mourn her loss. Please continue to pray that the Lord would open mom’s eyes to the fullness of who He has made her…mom’s story is beginning again.

• DR – I finally talked to DR, TODAY! It is DR’s 25th birthday today, so now he is realizing that he is one fourth of the way to triple digits! He is excited to be with the family this weekend. I continue to ask the Lord to speak to DR in those quiet moments when the heart is sensitive and still. This is a year of firsts for all of us, and this is DR’s first birthday without dad…another step for him. Please pray that DR would take these steps and that his heart would be free.

• Me – This week has been a week of growth and more clarity for me. The Lord promises wisdom to those who ask for it. I feel like He has come through, again. I know the last couple of updates have been laced with language of loss and pain, and I continue to take steps through that process. I am just seeing the Lord remind me over and over that He is a tower where safety and strength await those who run to Him. That’s where I want to go! Please keep praying that I would be available and teachable to the Lord.

• New Zealand – I am meeting with Tom Harriger tomorrow night to discuss next steps…please pray for the Lord’s wisdom.

Garage Update
We have had three different garage cleaning episodes, and I am so pumped to update you with the news that we are almost 50% finished with the garage. I can hardly believe the progress we have made in such little time. We are very close to being able to park mom’s car in the garage! A number of you have helped, THANK YOU! We have two more scheduled work days to finish the garage, so please, please, please, if you can, we could use your help! Here are the remaining times:

• Monday evening, May 21, 6PM – 8PM

• Monday afternoon, May 28, 3PM – 8PM

I will continue to keep you posted on how we’re doing. So many of you are praying and that is the reason for these continued updates. I know they are long, but thank you for sharing life with me and our family. You are loved,

LV
(on behalf of Mom & DR)

This is a bit longer than usual (which is scary, I know) so please don’t worry about reading all of it.  I have titled sections of it to hopefully break it up a little, but there are specific prayer requests and a request for help at the bottom of the email.  If my many words were washed away and you were able to hear me say only one thing, it would be, “Thank you.”  I really don’t know how to tell you how special you are and how much it has meant for me and our family to be able to share this journey with you.  You are loved.

I must confess in starting this update that I really have no idea what is going to pour out on this page.  The stampeding thoughts in my mind escape any attempt at being corralled.  I have been waiting to write this update knowing that tomorrow marks the two month anniversary of dad’s passing.  I had hoped that sitting down to write would help in taking another step in this grieving process…

What is the grieving process?  I still don’t know.  I am finding that as I am honest with my feelings and emotions with others and with the Lord, I find healing.  The reality, for me, is that this grieving process has become about much more than just the loss of my father.  I shared briefly in the last update about the impact John 12:24,25 was having on me during this season of life.  Never before has one section of scripture been on my mind as continually and as intensely as this passage.  I admit that sometimes I try to capture and understand all that the Lord might be saying and showing me during times of great insight into scripture, but this is totally different.  This is something deeper.  This is something that I cannot wrap my mind around.  This wakes me up early in the morning and leaves my lying awake at night.  It’s scary and sacred at the same time.

“Truly, truly I say to you unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies it bears much fruit.  He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal.”  I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS!  Yet, I find myself thinking on it and meditating on it all the time.  I knew that when I came to Dallas I was walking into a season of loss, and I thought that I had a pretty good idea that it was going to be rough.  I mean, come on, dad is dying and it’s not looking good.  Yeah, it was going to really hard.  But I had no idea how deep and far reaching this loss would go…and is still going.  That’s the irony of this whole thing.  I’m not writing this looking back at what happened; I’m writing this looking around at what is happening.  The scary part is that I can’t identify it all nor do I see its end.  That sacred part is that my heart is finding a home with the Lord like never before.  There is but one place that my heart finds rest and peace – with God.

How do you express the loss of self as it is happening?  After dad passed away I went through a time of unexpected depression…I don’t know if that’s the right term, but I was unmotivated, lethargic, lacking purpose.  As I started to work through that (with the help of many of you and by simple steps like going outside for a short walk and trying to make that walk a little longer as each day passed) I found myself thinking that the goal was to “finish” this season of mourning the loss of my dad.  I thought, “Ok, I’ll mourn then it’s back to life as normal.”  It’s the classic attempt at managing life…something I have deceived myself into thinking I’ve become good at.  Who can manage something as unpredictable as life?  I thought I could…until life slowly starts to unravel and escape the grasping fingers of control.  Am I being melodramatic here?  No.  So many areas of life are shifting and so many areas of life are falling into this category of loss, and when I began to mediate on John 12 I started to think that it was the specifics of my life that were falling into the earth and dying.  And then I realized what was going on.  The Lord said, “LV, it’s not parts of your life that are dying, it’s you.”  The grain of wheat has no defense against the process of death; neither do I.  The temptation is to try and minimize the pain as much as possible so as to lessen the blow.  But there is no life in such a fearful escape.  I must trust the Lord’s embrace and allow him to continue His work.  And His work is always good.  While I was back in Atlanta a close friend reminded me of one of the stories from C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia.  I was in tears when I reread this story and found myself asking the Lord to do a work in me like Aslan did with Eustace:

Eustace and Aslan
Eustace Scrubb, in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, is a self-centered, arrogant, and selfish boy who is transformed into a dragon as a result of his own greed.  He is unable to restore himself and struggles to find hope of ever becoming a boy again.  His scales run deep and at one point, Eustace tries three times to “undress” himself by peeling away his scales with his own claws.  In his own strength, Eustace manages to strip away one set of scales only to realize that there is another, deeper layer lying beneath.  Three times he tries to free himself and three times he fails.  Enter Aslan, the Great Lion of Narnia.  Aslan, fully aware of Eustace’s failed attempts looks at him and says, “You will have to let me undress you.”  Here is Eustace’s telling of what happened next:

Aslan stripped away what Eustace could not.  Is this what the Lord is doing in me?  I believe so, and it’s strange to offer this admission as it is happening, but He is showing me how this is part of what He has been doing in our family for some time.  It is coming full circle.  This is all reflective of what God has been doing in our family, and that is why I find myself in a state of awe at how this path of restoration continues to unfold, collectively AND individually, along lines that have been marked for some time…let me explain:

Vision of an Oak Tree
Years ago the image best describing our family was that of a dying oak tree.  I shared this with mom, dad, and DR one Easter weekend when I was back from college for a short visit.  Within hours of being home we had an intense family meeting and I just started sharing about the state of our family as I saw it.  We were all in the living room and I told them that our family was dying, and none of us had any clue.  The vision that came to mind was a huge tree in the center of our house, and it was slowly dying.  The limbs of this tree lacked leaves and the color of the bark was growing grayer and grayer.  As a family we had tried to cut off limbs that were getting in the way, but they simply grew back.  We had even tried to cut down the tree itself but the remaining stump was still an unavoidable stumbling block.  The Lord was clear with our family on that day.  The only way that our family was going to get rid of this dying tree was if it was completely unearthed and ripped out of the ground…roots and all.  How do you save a house built on top of a root system that must be completely dug up?  You can’t.  And here is where I caught the first glimpse of what the Lord wanted to do in our family.  He wanted to rip open the soil of our family, dig up the roots of death that had been hidden for so long, and break up the ground that we had walked on for years.  It was not going to be easy.  The death of the tree was only the first step.  The death of our family, as we knew it, was to follow.  But in the very next breath the Lord gave me a vision of restoration – broken earth, free of death, already tilled, and ready for the planting of new life.  What if, in the place of a dying tree that had plagued our family for generations, the Lord filled the empty soil with seeds of life?  Could life take root in soil that once nurtured death?  It isn’t the soil, but the seed; it isn’t the seed, but the Seed Sower.  And could the Lord plant a seed of life that He would cultivate and grow towards life and restoration leaving our house with a tree that would carry life and fruit to every corner of the home?  My parent’s room?  My room?  My brother’s room?  Our living room?  Our kitchen?  Could there be life and restoration in my parent’s relationship, could I see victory in the Lord over areas of struggle and death in my own life, could my brother know love and intimacy in ways that would blow his mind, could we invite others into a home where we enjoyed sharing life under the banner of love and joy, could we dine together and eat as a family anchored to the Lord and His provision?  YES!  It is true.  “So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”  (Isaiah 61:3)  Years ago we saw this vision.  Today we see more and more evidence of its reality.

It is no surprise that I find myself in this place.  I just wasn’t expecting it.  And I think it is an image of what God has done, and is doing, in our family.  He wants to unearth the root system, and in the place of what was dying, the Lord wants to plant seeds of life that He promises will bear fruit reflective of His glory.  It’s more than just nice words…it’s true.  And as painful as it is, the image of what will be stirs perseverance, character, and hope.  (Romans 5:3-5)  Yes, it is true.

For prayer:

• Mom – Mom had a hard week while I was gone in Atlanta.  It was the first period of extended time that mom had to come home at night and wake up in the morning to an empty house.  We talked over the course of the week and she knew that it was a foreshadowing of what is to come.  Though hard, it was good to be able to talk with mom about what it will look like for this new normal in her life.  She is working out and has started to eat much more healthy…she is doing a fantastic job.  Mom is meeting with Eric, our friend and a pastor at Bent Tree, this week to just connect and take steps in talking about all that is going on.  We are praying for a mentor and someone that would spend some intentional time with mom.  For all you who have rallied around mom and called and written letters, thank you.  I can see, undoubtedly, that she feels loved.  My prayer for mom is that she would continue to let this time be soaked in the Word of God and that she would allow her heart to feel some of the deeper emotions that she admittedly keeps guarded.

• DR – this could be the most ridiculous game of phone tag in the history of phone conversations.  We talked on Friday for a few moments, but I really don’t know a lot going on with him.  Not that it’s my job to have break down the details of my brother’s life, but I know you are praying so I want to be able to give you specifics.  I keep praying that DR and I would have a chance to really connect soon.  I am also praying that DR’s heart would remain tender and malleable during the times that DR thinks of dad or when something triggers emotions reflective of the loss of dad.  I know he is thinking a lot about his life and goals that are on the horizon; please pray that DR would have wisdom as he sets goals.

• Me – you read quite a bit about how I’m doing.  Please pray that I would not try to manage this season of loss in such a way that minimize or lessen the pain of what the Lord is doing.  So many areas of full of unknown.  Specifically, please pray that the Lord would give wisdom concerning my job and these next steps regarding my work.  Also, this summer could go in a number of different directions; please pray that the Lord would make it clear as to where He is leading.  I hope I don’t come across as depressing or hopeless in the words I write; while it has been hard, I am enjoying time with the Lord like I have never known.  To the extent of how hard and painful this season has been, that is the extent to which the Lord is responding with times of great intimacy with Him.

• New Zealand – I am flying to Orlando, FL next weekend for my Aunt’s retirement party.  Tom Harriger, the director of International Projects for Student Venture, and I are having dinner on Friday night and will be talking about the memorial trip in memory of dad.  This will be the first real planning conversation about this trip so please pray that the Lord would direct our time and that it would be purposeful towards developing a strong foundation for what the Lord wants to build.

Specific Needs for the Family
We are beginning to clean out the garage and will need help over the next three weeks.  Our goal is to get the garage completely cleaned out by the end of May so that mom and can park the car inside…she hasn’t been able to do that for years!  For anyone in the Dallas area interested in helping us with this task we are going to meet during the following times:

• Sunday afternoon, May 13, 4PM – 5PM
  I know it’s Mother’s Day but some of you said you were free so we are going to do what we can in an hour.

• Monday evening, May 14, 6PM – 8PM

• Monday evening, May 21, 6PM – 8PM

• Sunday afternoon, May 27, 2PM – 5PM

Note – right now, all we need are just people to come and help carry stuff from the garage to the curb where bulk trash will take care of removing it.  As we get closer to the end of May we will have a better idea of what will need to happen in order to accomplish our goal.  There were 5 of us that worked last Sunday and got quite a bit done, so any help would be amazing.  Let me know if you have any questions.

I want to remind you how thankful our family and I are for you.  Thank you for praying.  Thank you for the many ways you have served us and loved us.  We would not be where we are on this journey of healing if it were not for you.

LV
(on behalf of Mom & DR)

P.S. – I forgot to share briefly about the trip back to Atlanta last week and the volleyball tournaments we played in.  We came in 5th at our volleyball tournament in Destin, FL (very disappointing) BUT we won our volleyball tournament in Columbia, SC.  In between I was able to reconnect with a number of friends back in Atlanta and it was very good to be home.  A lot has happened since I left and it will be a transition coming home, but I am looking forward to it.  I will be playing in a volleyball tournament in Austin, TX the last weekend of May and then plan to drive back to Atlanta after that.

I was seven years old.  I remember mom and dad taking us for a walk along on our neighborhood street in Monterey, CA.  It wasn’t uncommon for us to take walks together…hmm, “together.”  It was always mom, dad, and DR walking with each other while I was 100 feet ahead doing my own thing; maybe breaking off a tree branch from a low hanging limb and then having sword fights with any other tree that dared come within my reach, or throwing rocks into the bushes along the side of the road, or finding some other form of entertainment to pass the time.  It didn’t matter what was happening, I just knew that I wanted to be in front and ahead of everyone else doing my own thing, alone.

I have thought about that scene many times since those early years.  For some reason I can’t escape the reality that those walks paint a picture of how I have viewed my role in our family.  Mom and DR know this.  I have always been the one who took every opportunity to leave the house.  I never had people over to our house during high school.  It seemed that every night of the week I had practice or bible study or anything that pulled me away from our home.  When I decided to go to college in Boulder, CO it was anything but a shock.  I guess mom was just happy I stayed in the same country!  I have always had a knack for “going.”  This isn’t all bad, but with regards to my family, I have known that my tendency has been to avoid and escape…I’ve always been on the run.  From the time I was seven, until the time I was twenty-seven, I found every opportunity to leave.

And now, here I am…home…the last place I thought I would be at this stage of my life.  And yet, this is where I find myself becoming more aware of one of the most important people in my life – my mom.  I thought my time here in Dallas was going to be exclusively about my dad.  And at different times, it was.  But over the past two weeks I have found myself spending more and more time with my mom, eating together, talking, going to movies, and just sharing different moments.  I am not doing a great job of being emotionally available; I think we’re both struggling to let our guard down at times for fear of how much we might actually hurt…and how many tears might follow.  I was not expecting the story to take a turn like this…I was not expecting my time at home to lead to a revelatory awareness of how special my mom is…I see what I never took the time to see before – the significance of her worth.  I saw the Lord bring healing between my dad and me; and now He continues to do the same with my mom.  Never would I have spent such quality time with my mom outside of this difficult season…and never would I have known the beautiful depth of who she is as a woman, as a wife, and as a mom.  I have watched my mom over the past four months and have come to conclude that words will fail to accurately portray the character of such a selfless woman.  You must know her, and if you do, you will know what I’m talking about.

One afternoon near the end of February, I was in my office trying to work while mom was taking care of dad in the front room.  She decided to leave work and remain here at home to enjoy as much time with dad as she could.  We knew it was necessary to take advantage of all the time we could with dad.  I got up to check on dad and found mom standing next to him, changing his diaper.  I won’t go into the details, but it was more than messy, and I knew it.  I walked around to help her and realized that my stomach was betraying my honest intentions.  I couldn’t handle it; I tried to quickly and quietly leave the room fearing dad might be embarrassed by my sudden exit.  I composed myself and walked back in breathing only through my mouth.  Then it hit me.  My mom was there, completely and totally available…serving my dad…with no thought of herself and absolutely no hint of burden by such an unpleasant task.  That’s not all…mom was smiling.  I don’t even think she knew it.  I watched her clean my dad with a look of joyful contentment.  I don’t know if I will ever forget that scene because I was overwhelmed with the authenticity of my mom’s love.  She has spent her entire life caring for others and putting their needs above her own.  Yes, she would admit that she is not perfect in her love and that she is growing out of tendencies to please people.  But it does not change the glaring reality that my mom operates with a selflessness and compassion that goes beyond my ability to understand.  She truly is an amazing woman.

The Lord continues to show Himself in this story of our family.  He is not finished with His work of restoration.  I know mom and I have a lot to grow through in our relationship as we both mature.  What I can tell you is that I am pushed to serve and love others in the likeness of my mom…a reflection of the Lord in her.

For prayer:

• Mom – I wanted to share with you just a glimpse of what I have been realizing about my mom with the hope that you might gain insight into the reality of who she is and her undeniable value.  As you pray for mom please pray that she would not run to serving others as a way to escape the pain in her own heart as she mourns the loss of her husband.  Please pray that godly women would surround her and help her continue walking with the Lord.  Please pray that mom’s heart would be malleable to the Lord as she prepares for life “alone” in the house.  Mom shared with me tonight that she is not letting herself feel because she fears the pain.  I know I am in the same boat; please pray that we would get out of this boat and trust the Lord to bring comfort and peace.

• DR – We have not talked since the last update; DR has been super busy with his play in New York.  I hope we get a chance to connect soon.  Please continue to pray that he would embrace the fullness of this season and allow himself to feel.  I know his thoughts go towards the future and his “next steps” as he continues life in the city, but please pray that he will not rush through this time.  We will be with DR in Orlando at the end of May celebrating our Aunt’s retirement.  It will be good to be with him again while we celebrate our Aunt.

• Me – I have not been able to get away from John 12:24-25, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal.”  I feel like the Lord continues to strip away layer after layer of this life as I would manage it; it’s hard, but He continues to draw me close.  I continue to ask Him for direction.  Right now, I am planning on returning to Atlanta on June 4th.  I’m not sure about the steps after that, but I am just taking them one at a time.  Please pray that I would continue allowing Him to mold and shape me in this season.

• New Zealand – Tom and I are still trying to connect to go over next steps, please continue praying that the Lord would show us how to move forward with this vision.  Continued thanks to all of you sending in support for this project!

Celebration DVD?

I am working on a creating a DVD with images and scenes from the renewal of vows between my parents, the Celebration Service for dad, and the slideshow remembering dad.  I know many of you were not able to come to the service, and mom and I would like to send you a DVD if you are interested.

If you would like me to mail you a DVD please respond with an address and we will send one to you when they are finished.  You continue to serve and love this family and we would love to share these glimpses from the past several months with you.  Please let me know.

I know many of you have sent emails that continue to go unaddressed by me.  Please, please know that your words continue to provide encouragement and blessing in ways that I hope you see one day.  I am sorry for not responding…I will definitely make more of an effort.  Just know that my mom and I remain so thankful for you.

Again, thank you for who you are and for your love over our family.  We love you!

LV
(on behalf of mom and DR)