Family Update #17 – a walk with Dad, in the rain…

“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night,’
Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.”
Psalm 139:6-12

I’m slowly learning that peace does not come in the absence of darkness; rather, in the presence of light. I tried so hard to fight off the darkness last week, and to be honest, find myself still trying. But in that I am coming to grips with the freeing truth that only the presence of Light satisfies the longings of my heart. What’s even more amazing is to think that darkness and light are alike to God. I see darkness. He does not…and he invites me to take refuge in Him. What does David say in Psalm 16? “You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy.” I can rest in simply resting in Him.

Last Thursday night Dallas was hit with a pretty hard rain storm. Somehow I thought it would be a great idea to go out for a walk in the pouring rain. Hmmm, not sure what I was thinking, but I’m glad I went…

As I look back on that night I am so thankful that the Lord would give me such a clear picture of what I believe this next season of life will look like. Here is what I wrote in my journal when I got back:

“The visor on the hood of my jacket limited my sight – looking down at the water rushing over the pavement in front of my feet – I could only see a mere 3 or 4 feet ahead. That’s all I needed…enough room for one more step. That was my walk tonight…a walk in the pouring rain…with my Dad.

The last time I sat in the quiet with my dad, he died. I have feared the quite – being alone – where the silence around me invites the deafening roar of fear. What do I do now? I don’t know. But I see just enough in front of me to take one more step. Where am I going? I don’t know. But I know I’m on walk with my Dad. I need not fear losing Him. I need not fear the quiet. I need not fear being ripped from silence by the accusations of THE accuser. The Lord fills the silence – not with noise to distract but with love to fulfill. My God, my Dad, hears the pounding heart bursting through my chest…He knows better than I the anxiety and purposelessness that plagues my being. He knows…He cares…and He promises that it’s not eternal. LV, will you take one more step? The wind is howling, the rain is pouring, the sky grows darker, but you can still see one step ahead of you…LV, will you take one more step…with Me? LV, will you take one more step on a walk with your Dad?

Yes.

Where does this lead? I don’t know. How long will it take to get there? I don’t know. When am I supposed to turn? I don’t know. How do I know where to follow? I don’t know.

But I can see one step ahead of me. I will take one more step…

Tonight, the sidewalk ended abruptly. I had to stop and walk across the street where the sidewalk continued. I continued…at another point I noticed a large puddle in front of me. I walked around it. Later, another puddle…this one was unavoidable. I walked through it. A tree that hung too low suddenly invaded my fixed stare at the soaked pavement in front of me. I ducked and continued. I did not know where I was going when I left, but I knew I was going on walk with my Dad. I did not know when or where I would turn, but at different points, I turned. I did not know how long it would take, but I went. And now…I am home.

LV, will you take one more step? Yes, I will follow You…Home.”

Thursday night set the stage for a great weekend with the Lord. I allowed myself to sit in the quite place and take my fear to Him. I know my tendency is to try and arrive at the place where this all ends, but I want to let that go and just rest in Him. That picture – resting in Him – is very different from the way I usually think about “resting.” It is anything but idle. This weekend I felt like the Lord was, with one hand, painfully stripping me, and with the other, gently covering me (Psalm 139:5-6)…strange how peaceful brokenness can be. But how sweet it is to rest in the embrace of the Father. There is more, and I want to lean into this season. He continues to make it clear that He is writing a story of restoration. It’s not the end that I want…it’s Him!

Today we will have our grass cut for the first time in a long time. DR has arranged for a lawn service to take care of the yard every other week so that mom can focus on other priorities. Mom and I have started a list of things to do over the next couple months. We are focusing on everything from paper work, to changing our diet (which in my case just means taking time to eat J), to major house projects. It can be overwhelming but we are taking it slow and setting measurable & attainable goals. This week our goal is to finish some letters that we have wanted to write. We are on track and will see what next week holds…

Please continue to pray for us…here are some specifics:

• Mom – mom and I spoke at the high school group last night about the topic of homosexuality. She and dad had been part of a ministry for the last several years, and she was asked to come speak. She asked me to come with her and share as well, and we had a great time working together. On the way home I could see mom becoming more and more sensitive…it hit me, she AND dad were both asked to speak earlier in the year. It was something she wanted to do with dad…it was another moment of real loss. I think those moments will grow more and more real for mom. This is the year of “firsts.” Sunday will be the first year mom will celebrate the Risen Lord without her husband. I think it’s starting to slowly sink in…please pray that mom would be surrounded by godly women who would continue loving her and walking alongside of her. She has such an incredibly giving heart…I see the Lord in her.

• DR – DR is still back in New York, and we keep playing phone tag. Mom told me that DR is doing pretty well and that he said, “I’m moving on.” Please pray that DR would allow his season of grief and mourning to be as brief or extended as it needs to be. I am praying that his heart would continue being sensitive to the Lord and to the hurts and pains of this season. His performance company will kick off a play tonight, and it will run every weekend through the end of April. He is very excited…I’m hoping the crew out in New York will get out to see the play – hint, hint Ryan and Katie!

• Me – I know that this grief process will ebb and flow from joy and pain. I am in the middle of both right now, but the Lord is making Himself known…the Word of God is coming alive and my journal is filling up. Please pray that as he strips and covers I would be surrendered and full of trust. On a practical note, I have just started really praying about next steps in life. Here is what I know – I will be in Destin, FL for a volleyball tournament the weekend of April 21st, and in Columbia, SC for a volleyball tournament the weekend of April 28th. Between the two I will be in Georgia. My plan is take a couple of days to get up in the mountains and break away with the Lord. The rest of the week I will spend at INJOY reconnecting with the team there. Throughout I will be asking the Lord for direction on the specifics what my job and life will look like. I will be back in Dallas at the start of May and will plan to be here until the end of May. This is the rough draft of what I see as next steps, but I know all too well how quickly the Lord can speak clarity and direction. I will continue to wait on Him. (Isaiah 64:4)

• New Zealand – a new addition! Yes, the Lord continues to bless us with gift after gift towards the mission trip we are planning to New Zealand. I have attached a Word document with the story and explanation of how the Lord sparked this idea. I hope you have a chance to read it…this remains an image of God’s restorative nature. From death comes life…

It’s simple – you are loved, you are dearly loved. Thank you. Praise God that this week we celebrate the anchor point of our faith – Jesus alive! Happy Easter…

Thankful for Him,

LV
(on behalf of Mom & DR)

~ by almostHome on April 5, 2007.